*I will always make time for you *I love you *I care about you *You can talk to me about anything *You can always come to me for any reason *What we talk about stays between us *Is there something I can do for you right now? *Do you want to talk about your feelings? *I can hear how sad you’re feeling, so how can I help you to feel better? *What do you need right now?
I was thinking, and this popped in my head so I wrote it down. This time last year I had my suicide planned out. I had it planned even before then. And I told the people closest to me what my plan was. Some people replied, and some didn’t. I didn’t need a reply…I was just being informative.
I know that no one knows what to say when put on the spot like that. I was venting to a friend a month or so ago and she asked me “Well, what did you expect people to say?” I was perplexed. I said “Honestly, I don’t know. I didn’t want people to beg and plead with me to stay. I was just giving a heads up. But some people responded and what they chose to say in the moment really hurt me.” She told me “People don’t know what to say so you can’t get upset at what they do say when you drop something like this in their lap.”
I get it. It’s about a year and a half since I dropped the metaphorical bomb in certain people’s laps. And I won’t lie. I still struggle with certain responses and am turning to my faith to work through the hurt that I still feel. Only time will tell about that.
However, like I said, I was thinking…”What WOULD I want someone to say to me if I were in that situation again?” That’s when I came up with the sentences above. Some may seem redundant but they aren’t. We don’t want you to beg and plead. We don’t want silence as though our feelings are not valid. We don’t want you to ignore our “plan” and focus on the time we have until we pull the plug. We don’t really want to die. We want the hurt to stop. WE WANT EMPATHY. WE WANT SUPPORT. WE WANT TO NOT FEEL ALONE.
PLEASE SHARE this if you think it may help someone. And feel free to add a statement that you think a suicidal person would want to hear. Thanks for reading.
It’s not easy to stop self-injuring on your own, but there are a few quick tricks you can use to catch those urges before acting on them. All emotional responses can motivate us to do things, but sometimes these things aren’t great for us in the long-run. So how do we stop ourselves from acting on these urges when they are SO STRONG? Here’s my #1 tip to stop self-injuring before it happens.
Change Your Body Temperature to Stop Self-Injuring
It sounds too simple to be true, but simply by changing your body temperature you can have a significant impact on your mood, thoughts, and urges. To stop self-injuring, we start with the body.
Emotions have a physical response that comes with them. By changing the physical response in your body, you can actually produce a change in the thoughts and emotions! Changing a physical response in your body is quite easy, in fact.
All it takes is a quick shower, a dive in a pool, or a few jumping jacks to not only change your temperature but your heart rate, breathing rate, and more. These physical changes have an effect on your brain. It’s more than just distraction, although the distraction helps. It’s a physical change in your central nervous system, which sends your brain a message to “switch gears.”
When you are overwhelmed with the urge to self-injure, changing your body can be easier than changing your mind. Try it out: hop in the shower the next time you feel that pull towards self-harm or self-sabotage. See if the intensity of the urge changes after you change your body temperature!
Click below to learn more about how the brain influences your emotions, and what you can do to take control of your recovery.
We often avoid painful feelings because… well because they are unpleasant. We numb them with substances or distract with activities or mindlessly scroll through social media. Distracting can help us get through tough times, but as a long-term problem-solving tactic, it’s pretty useless.
Why Avoiding the Pain Doesn’t Work
Research shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually doesn’t work to alleviate them. Instead, it leads to more problems.
Emotions that get locked away end up becoming stronger and more persistent. You know when someone tells you to stop thinking about something, and instead of stopping you’re thinking about it MORE? It’s like that. The more we ignore painful emotions, the more they are going to try and cut in to get your attention.
The 3 Main Reasons Painful Feelings are Valuable
This leads me to the main point of this article: why do my painful emotions keep cutting in when I’m trying to avoid them so much? What’s the benefit of experiencing the pain when I know it is going to hurt so badly?
Unpleasant feelings supply you with important data; vital information that you need to make effective decisions.
When you put your hand on a hot stove, the physical pain lets you know that your body is being damaged and leads you to pull your hand away, never touching the hot stove again. Without that vital information, the body would not respond to avoid further damage. The same goes for emotional pain. It lets you know when something needs attention, and motivates you to take specific action.
Even without intending to, our emotions communicate to others. Painful emotions can affect those around us as well as ourselves.
Emotional responses are so automatic that our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice can reflect an emotion even without communication in words. For example, defensiveness and insecurity can quickly register on your face and send a message to the people around you to back off. If you are trying to make friends, this can become a nuisance. By building emotions of confidence and openness you can communicate in a way that will draw people TOWARDS you instead of away from you.
Painful emotions are your body’s way of helping you survive.
As human beings, we require human connection, and painful emotions like loneliness can spur us to take action and reach out to loved ones. Sometimes, we are in situations where we need to escape or defend ourselves. Anger and fear can contribute to taking action to protect or seek shelter. Ignoring or avoiding emotional responses can quite literally put us in danger or keep us from human interaction.
Instead of continuing to mindlessly go through life ignoring or actively avoiding painful feelings, take some time each day to pay attention to what they are communicating to you.
A major characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder is instability in a number of areas, mainly an instability in mood and relationships. There are many other areas of life that are thrown off-balance as well, including one’s self-identity, decisions, and perception of the world. Below are five areas of instability in Borderline Personality and some tips on how to find balance.
Much confusion comes from a lack of consistency in feelings and thoughts…
Our self-identity develops from consistent traits over time. But for the person with Borderline Personality Disorder, moods can be inconsistent. It’s difficult to determine what you like or dislike, what makes you happy or what makes you sad. Depending on your momentary mood, one situation may excite you and then the next day that very same situation will overwhelm you.
The same goes for people. For example, one day you may love everything about your partner. Then your mood changes and all of a sudden your partner becomes the enemy. You begin to doubt your feelings, and you begin to doubt your very self. Soon, you view yourself as the enemy; someone you can’t trust or depend upon to do anything right.
Some days you aren’t sure if you are the “crazy” one, or if the whole world is damaged beyond repair. You get so tired of trying to figure out that you just want to quit thinking altogether.
This back and forth…this is the instability that leaves the BPD sufferer teetering on the edge of exhaustion and hopelessness.
Balance is the answer to instability.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the recommended treatment approach for BPD, relies on a concept of balance instead of extreme ideas of good/bad, happy/sad, black/white. Instead of high and low moods, it works on stabilizing moods. Instead of seeing people or the world as good or bad, it teaches us to separate people and things from our emotions in order to view them in a balanced light.
DBT skills help the person with Borderline Personality to repair instability. We learn not to ignore or numb the extreme emotions that cause imbalance. Instead, it helps us to change them, approach them, and bring them into balance with purposeful effort. It applies those skills to relationships, to self-perception, and to behavior.
Identifying instability and imbalance, and then using the skills to synthesize extreme thoughts and mood, helps us maintain our view of our selves and of others in a way that provides us a more stable ground to walk on.
What a day. Seemed like things began bombarding me and my recovery goals from the moment I woke up. A few times throughout the day I thought to myself, “Why not just quit today; why not just lay down and give up? This is too hard. I’m not capable of handling this.” Then it spread into, “LIFE is too hard. I’m not capable of handling ANYTHING, let alone this day. I can’t survive as an adult; I can’t even keep my head above water. Everything is falling apart because I can’t handle basic tasks.”
Then it spread into, “LIFE is too hard. I’m not capable of handling ANYTHING, let alone this day. I can’t survive as an adult; I can’t even keep my head above water. Everything is falling apart because I can’t handle basic tasks.”
After a while I would catch myself, and for a moment I would breathe and see the bigger picture, that hard days happen and difficulties in relationships happen and everyday hassles happen. I’m okay, and everything is okay, and there’s peace.
But on days like today, you find the peace and instantly something else comes in like a rocket and blows you away again. You’re left tumbling and trying to gain a foothold somewhere. You get your balance and here comes another one.
It’s been like that all day long today, from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping tomorrow is a little easier and I handle it a little better.
More than anything I’m just thankful today is over and that I got through it without destroying myself or anything else in my life. Sure, things happened and consequences happened and things aren’t perfect. But I made it through, and I know how I can do better tomorrow. I learned some things today that will help me in the future. And I wouldn’t have learned those things or been motivated to search for them had I not been in the predicaments I experienced on this crazy day.
I made it through, and I know how I can do better tomorrow.
When BPD leads to abandonment and rejection, you learn quickly. Soon, you fear abandonment by all the people you love, and you start to see abandonment everywhere. To avoid being rejected, you push them away before they can hurt you. The result? No one can abandon you, because there IS no one.
Then the loneliness hits. You may or may not realize what just happened. But the end is the same. They leave and your worst fears are realized. Abandonment. Rejection.
I’ll be the first one to admit dropping someone like a hot potato at the first sign of potential rejection. Before mastering the DBT skills, I saw everyone as a threat to my fragile heart. If I cared about them in the slightest, they had the power to hurt me and I simply could not afford that most of the time.
Sometimes I actually managed to convince myself I didn’t need anyone. HA!
That wasn’t me talking. That was the BPD.
THE REAL ME WAS YEARNINGFOR CONNECTION!!!
The real me loved people. Inside I cared about everyone; I was desperate for friends and relationships.
Furthermore, the real me knew I couldn’t survive for long like this. I needed people but I watched myself pushing them further and further away each day. Maybe they were rejecting me, abandoning me…maybe they weren’t. Maybe it was just me. Who could I trust? I couldn’t even trust myself.
HOW I STOPPED THE REJECTION CYCLE:
One of the things DBT skills taught me is that if I had thoughts telling me “no one cares” and “they’ll just leave you anyways,” there was a good chance my brain wasn’t telling me everything.
After I had that down, I started learning how to look at the facts to tell if abandonment or rejection was actually happening to me, so I wouldn’t leave good relationships based on an assumption. I learned how to tell the difference between feeling rejected and being rejected.
Ultimately, the skills taught me how to deal with actual rejection AND to heal from it. And they helped me make lasting relationships and deep connections with others, as well as myself.
Rejection, abandonment, and loneliness may be a way of life for you if you have Borderline Personality. And it may feel safer that way, from your experience. But that way of life will also keep you imprisoned and cut off from the true desires within you for connection.
When BPD leads to rejection and abandonment, and you don’t know where to start, that’s ok! I didn’t either. That’s what this page is for. Learn more about the DBT skills, recovery, and resources to help you break free. Surviving alone doesn’t need to be your only option.